


Don't fear the Reaper

by Shinigamibutter



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, M/M, MJ dies a lot, Major death to come, Morbidity, Not your average love story, Reaper JinJin, Short Chapters, Special Case MJ
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-31
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-21 02:14:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9527306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shinigamibutter/pseuds/Shinigamibutter
Summary: He was just your average reaper until a special case landed in his life. Now Jinwoo is trying to unravel the mystery that is Myungjun, the soul that keeps appearing over and over in his line of work. It was just a pondering until Myungjun's ties with Jinwoo's past come to light.





	1. The History

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just finished Goblin so the reapers are based on that. That's literally all I took from there. My own beliefs on rebirth will be littered throughout. 
> 
> It says character death for a reason. This is a story about a reaper of course Mj is dead and like dies a lot.

“The world is not so small that we should meet again.” It felt like eons ago when I had first uttered those words to the same soul I was seeing now. This time he was older, mid-twenties and handsome. So handsome it would take someone’s breath away. But I was here to collect him, again. Cause of death this time was an accident, he had been saving a little girl.

“The world is not so vast that we won’t meet again.” It was always his answer if he was able to talk as far back as I could remember. He smiled at me, just as brilliant as his smile had been at three. That’s when he had died the first time. I had found him then a wandering un-rooted soul, as a reaper it had been my responsibility, my job to take him. Just as it has been my job so many times since. Looking at me he smiled wider holding his hand out for mine, I took it. His lives flashing before my eyes as they always did, each of them already familiar.

The walk to my tea shop was as well known to us as his soul cup. The small cup wasn’t chipped despite the constant use and the bright yellow color refused to fade. Shining brightly among the dull colors of other souls that surrounded it on the shelf where it rested as he lived. I would be filling it soon enough to make him forget me again.

The walk was filled with his chatter about this life, littered with promises of finding me sooner, while he was still alive. To love me. He would forget like he always did that he had made this speech before. Yet each time he would repeat it again like a mantra never changing.

I let him chatter on though. Unable to stop him as we take the long way, I wasn’t sure when or why we had started taking this way. Just as I couldn’t understand why he would want to love a reaper. Reapers are all sinners, doing the work we must to atone. Our lives before wiped from our memory and our sentence to serve while living among humans as best we can. The pay isn’t good for much in the way of rent but I’d lived this way for a long time now. Or I had until him. I wasn’t going to admit it out loud but many things had changed in my life because of his special case.

Special cases are cases in which those that should have died did not. Or those that still wander even though they should have found rest. Usually caused by some meddling god or another. They are rare. He isn’t one, not officially anyway.

It is even more rare for a soul to be born with the same face twice. It only happens twice a century. Or that had been the case until him. I have never seen him born any different. Always growing when able, into the same handsome man by side now. In most cases, a soul would only be born in the same country after several hundred years. Not him, he’s always here in my district looking the same as always. I’ve lost count of how often I’ve collected him. So many times now I believe him when he says the world really is small.

“Jinwoo…” He stops in front of the door only we can see. Deep brown eyes boldly staring into mine, able to see me as a spirit despite my hat that ensures my invisibility to the mortals.

I stop turning to look at him. For this is the name he has given me after all this time, he is the only one to ever call it.

“This time I promise I’ll find you.” He lets go of my hand and enters the shop settling himself to wait for the tea that will make him forget. My back is to him as I prepare it, the cup and pot already in place. I almost drop it as he speaks again, his loud voice a difference to the quietness that usually accompanies death. “You deserve forgiveness too.”

I don’t answer him placing the tray on the table and then passing him the cup. He drinks it and takes his leave to heaven. I have to wonder why he keeps coming back, even as he looks down those dazzling stairs at me. Sometimes he makes me wonder what my sin was. But I know that even if he knew he would forgive it anyway. The question was could I?

I know the moment he is born again three years later. I felt it in my bones. And yet this felt like the beginning of the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've started this but I don't know where it's going. I have a horrible habit of not being able to work on only one project at a time.
> 
> If you're up to it, join me for the ride?
> 
> Hollar _[@shinigamibutter](https://twitter.com/shinigamibutter?s=09)_


	2. Alive

It felt like something was broken, tipped too far and abandoned to its fate. It was the feeling of death.

I sighed to myself at my own morbid thoughts. I had just entered the scene of a rather gruesome accident. It was only a glimpse of a face in the crowd but I felt the pull of something familiar, his pull. When I did a double take there he stood among the gawkers on the sidelines. Onlookers with no ill intentions. Among them he stood younger than last time small dark eyes staring, unblinking at the mass of cars on the road.

I turned my back to them, it wasn’t his time. I went to the first soul, their card in hand without looking back. Behind me I could feel the pressure of eyes boring into my back even though I knew he couldn’t see me. As I worked my way through the family I stopped at the small soul of member six. They were only four and they were crying, their tears unceasing as they gripped tightly to the hand of their sibling. This was not going to be an easy time for me, children never get easier.

The walk to the tea shop was short from here thankfully. By the time I had calmed all the souls enough to move in an orderly fashion with my fellow reaper helping me, the crowd had cleared except a few stragglers. The ones who had a reason to be there or those that enjoyed gruesome scenes and him. I didn’t have time to dwell on why he remained as I passed him by unseen I was sure. Yet there he stood eyes following my every move. He looked no more than ten this time with a cute boyish face I hadn’t seen in a while, a face I’d never seen alive before. It was different, it was nice.

I couldn’t let that thought go any further though. The mystery of his soul would have to wait. Wait until his next death when maybe I could get closer to the answers. It always felt the like the answers were slipping out of my fingers.

I shook those thoughts away forcing my thoughts back to the task at hand. My tea shop was small for this many souls but I would make due. There would be a mandatory meeting later this week. With these thoughts I pushed away the image of his lingering brown eyes. Eyes that were alive. Eyes I didn’t have the luxury of keeping that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I should add morbid to the tags? And short chapters.  
> Still not sure where the hell I'm going with this. But it's going to get darker before it gets brighter.
> 
> All three of my current projects are Myungjin...someone save me. Also holla at yo gurl _[@shinigamibutter](https://twitter.com/shinigamibutter?s=09)_


	3. Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Spoilers* For Goblin *Spoilers*  
> I don't know if anyone else is slow at watching dramas but I am. SO you were warned. It's the only spoiler, but it's important.

The next time I saw his soul I was taken aback by the difference. For every life lived his personality, vibrant and full of smiles, somehow didn’t change yet it felt like I was seeing a new side of him for the first time. It had only been three days since the accident.

I should have known then that he was truly seeing me, because death was always coming. It felt like I was always coming.

His smile was sad as he looked down at his broken body, the blood pooling on the petals below his head. He had fallen to his death climbing a tree too high. He had been dead before he could feel anything too painful. But that wasn’t what the look in his eyes were saying as they once more boldly stared into mine. “Jinwoo…”

It was hard not to squeeze his hand too tightly at the defeat in his tone. This wasn’t the happy soul I was used to seeing. “What’s wrong?” I asked my voice remaining calm with only the force of my will as we took our first steps away from his body. He remained silent.

The feeling in my chest was tight, tighter than I ever remembered it being before as we walked. It felt like I was leaving something behind, a piece of him. The fresh face of a ten-year-old who had been alive. Alive…It wasn’t something I wanted to think about as I squeezed his tiny hand in mine. He was here, right here beside me. The feeling of disconnect was very real even as I looked down at his messy locks. “What’s wrong?” I repeated, another step behind us.

“Jinwoo…” He pulled me to a stop facing him, his body just behind him. He paid it no mind drawing my face down to his level with a tug of his tiny fist wrapped in my suit. “I know why you’re a reaper…” He put both hands on either side of my face, his smile gone. Broken somewhere along the path we had taken to get us this far.

I swallowed hard. I hadn’t wanted to know, not really. Of course, I had questioned...We all questioned what sin had we committed. I wasn’t sure I was brave enough to know, for forgiveness or not. Yet now that he was offering me answers I wasn’t sure I could look away.

His eyes were watering as he pulled me into a hug, his lifetimes looping through my mind as they always had. All the smiles we shared and the sadness I’d never let him know I felt. I pushed those aside, because it was never him that was sad like that. I pushed him back a bit, just enough to look into his face my eyes questioning but the words unnecessary as he spoke. “A granny told me when she was passing by.”

I didn’t question who the granny was, there were a lot of roaming spirits in my district some far older than others. There was also a large amount of roaming gods in the season of sakura. “It’s okay.” My voice sounded stronger than I felt as I consoled him, my hands covering his on my cheeks. “It’s..” I wasn't quite sure who I was consoling in the end.

He blurted out the words “I know you killed yourself,” just as the tears that had been threatening began to fall.

It felt like I was falling with them only his hands on my cheeks were keeping me grounded. Instead of his memories, my own came crashing over me. The emotions I’d been carrying with me for as long as I remember finally had a reason. “I still forgive you.” His words were a whisper, the backdrop to pain. Small arms wrapped around me anchoring me in the now as I felt the sobs wrack my body.

I remembered everything.

What I don’t remember is how long we stayed like that or how long it took us to get to the tea shop. If my hands shook as I made his tea, or what he looked like the moment he turned to look back at me. What I did remember was him leading the way, his hand warm in mine, the small sad smile playing on his lips. The murmured I’ll find you and love you enough for yourself as he left me again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're still with me on this you deserve a kudos because this is all over the place. Plus it's mostly unedited please tell me if you spot anything major. As to that sorry for the style. I'm experimenting again I like it. Though I'm always open to hear your thoughts on the matter.
> 
> Update: This story is now loosely plotted!
> 
> Holla at yo gurl _[@shinigamibutter](https://twitter.com/shinigamibutter?s=09)_


	4. Jinwoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important warning this chapter deals in depth with suicide. This is Jinwoo's memories. So yeah death. Again? This is a story about a reaper you know. And I'm not pulling any punches so if you don't feel comfortable with it skip it. For your sake. Uped the rating for this chapter...
> 
> Everything should be adequately explained enough later so you should be able to skip it. I don't promise this though.

My memories came in bits and pieces. The first memories to break free had left me in tears, my only comfort found in his arms. They had been tears from the memories as much as my mixed feelings at having taken my own life. It was disconcerting to think about it having been me, was still me. I'd been living since then. Changing slowly over time with every introduction of him.

The painful memories would float back to the surface of my thoughts as I lay in my bed on long sleepless nights, arms throbbing softly, painfully. The wounds of my sin aching. It was still so hard to wrap my head around them. It took me three days after his last departure to truly dreg up all of my memories. To find the courage to face myself.

I lived going through the motions of routine, get up throw on acceptable clothing, see to the chores I wasn't neglecting this week, ignore the aching in my arms as I did anything. Pressing back the tide of memories that threatened to overtake me again. I lived like that for that three days.

On the third day I had had enough.

Positioning a chair in front of my full-length mirror I studied my reflection. Taking it all in. I wasn’t sure how I felt about the man that was staring back at me. My eyes were haggard, watery and worn with deep circles underneath. There was a hollowness to what were normally nice cheeks, and a lifelessness that clung around my body. It was from the pain that refused to go away.

Looking back down at my arms all I could see was the blood, there had been so much blood. More than I had thought there would be in that moment. It had all been mine, slowing to a still as my heart had stopped pumping. Spilling out all the guilt I couldn't hold in anymore.

Looking back into the mirror I thought about my reasons. Given the situation now I understood I had been wrong, having lived for as long as I had I understood now how precious life was. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to forget the understanding of why I had done it.

I had been in a coma before the night I ended it all. I could recall almost everything leading up to that moment with clarity. The smiles of my family, the smell of freshly cut grass, my best friend’s stupid laugh, and the song I had insisted on playing. Even now the guilt ate at me, the what could have been.

We had been heading away from the city and towards the mountains to a getaway for my birthday. A place I’d wanted to go as long as I could remember. Everything happened so fast it was hard to put the pieces together. I was driving and I reached for something behind me, I don’t remember what it was anymore. It had only been a second, just one second I looked away from the road.

There should have been more warning, there might have been more warning. I don’t know. I’d been distracted by my parents chatting in the back, the soft music I’d been playing, and my best friend sitting beside me. Her long hair fluttering in the wind, trying to escape outside the window.

That one moment had cost me, had cost them everything.

I swam around in my thoughts, the memory of that moment on constant replay for the first time in I couldn’t remember how long. I knew if I were to look at the mirror I would see the tears flowing freely, I could feel them distantly. Almost as well as the painful throb in my wrists, my hands clasped so tightly together the knuckles were white. I didn’t look though. Instead letting the memories overtake me, facing my sin.

Our car rolled three times.

From the first roll it felt like everything was in slow motion, watching as the car exploded around us, glass coming at us with sharp angles, the screams frantic and high. I wasn’t sure if my own were among them. It had been painful, but pain wasn't something I noticed for long in that moment. Instead, it was the fear etched onto my best friend's face, the panic that filled her dark eyes that surely was mirrored in my own. The last thing I remembered about this moment was the blood dripping down the side of her mouth, eyes wide open, her head twisted in a way that seemed unnatural. As I stared at her unable to move, unable to see my parents my eyes became so heavy. So heavy that it had been impossible to keep them open no matter how much I wanted to see them. To make sure that everyone could, would be alright.

I didn’t open my eyes for a month, or so I was later told. To me, it didn’t feel that long. My eyes had closed in heaviness, unable to stay open and had just stayed that way. Unlike the movies or stories, I'd read about being in and out or traveling dimensions while in a coma to me it was like sleeping. My mind dreaming like I normally would.

Every so often there were interruptions of a voice I didn’t really know. It was warm, a little pitchy, and encouraging. It wasn’t unfamiliar to me, but neither was it familiar in my sleep. The voice was often watery as it told me to have hope, that I could get through this, and that it was okay to wake up. That I was forgiven.

When I did finally find the strength to open my eyes I found out the voice had belonged to my best friend's twin brother, Myungjun. We had been friends, not close like his sister and I, but close enough. Even now I can't recall his face or hers.

I was told he visited me often, talking to me as I lay there not entirely unresponsive to his words. I later came to realize most of what he said might have equally been for himself.

I wasn’t meant to find out about what had happened for a long time, but a gossiping nurse stood too close to my room one night. Telling another nurse that it was me who had lost my family and friend in a car accident. That I was the only survivor. She explained that since the accident I'd been in a coma, and their plan was to break the news to me when I was stable.

The moment I heard her words everything lurched forward from my stomach and out of my mouth. When the nurses came rushing in at the noise, I could see the guilt on their faces. The understanding. It was nothing compared to mine.

I missed their faces, the warm smiles I knew would have been there if it weren't for me. The laugh that I had always called stupid was now something I longed to hear. All of the memories piled up threatening to topple over despite the help they offered me. Myungjun tried to visit only to be sent away. I couldn't face him. I couldn't face anyone.

The guilt ate at me as I finished the tests, and did the rehab for my un-moving limbs, going through the motions of recovery for those two weeks. No one noticed, I didn’t want anyone to see that the feeling that I should have died was building up inside of me. Just like bills of my recovery, the feelings piled up. Then came the date of my release.

The feeling of entering an empty home, one that had once been filled with noise and love wrecked my body even now. I curled myself up on the chair, the mirror before me there to show myself what a mess I had become. The same mess I had run away from then.

That night home had been torture, surrounded by my family's belongings and my guilt. All the pictures of times gone by and knowledge there would be no more. I tried to keep on going, I really thought I had tried but when I got up the courage, I turned away all visitors with nothing more than a simple note. I’d laid out all the towels in the house around me, to save whatever I could from the blood I knew would be flowing.

The knife I had chosen was small, perfectly sharp. The first cut hurt, I almost stopped. Myungjun’s words floating back to me about how it was okay to wake up, that it was okay to live. I shoved them away with the memory of his sister's panicked face, the horror in her eyes, and the sound of my parent's screams. I didn’t deserve to live. Not when they had died because of me. If only I had been paying more attention, if only I hadn’t reached backwards, if only I hadn’t looked away. If only it weren't for me they would still be alive.

The next cuts were painful, deep, done the right way. The blood began to flow quickly, my thoughts hazing around me. My guilt, my sins pouring from my veins. The last thing I was aware of thinking was that with this it would be over.

I had been wrong. Looking into the mirror again I flinched at my own reflection. Taking my own life had been wrong. Myungjun had been trying to offer his support, even when I was recovering. I didn’t feel I deserved it because of his sister so I had pushed him away, pushed away everyone. I realized now that Myungjun had been looking to me for solace, for the understanding of loss and his own guilt. Looking back at my memories made me come to understand what I couldn’t then, what I had made myself blind to. I should have tried to save him, I should have tried harder to save myself.

I wasn’t sure how long I sat there crying, letting it all out before the mirror. Facing the only one to blame, myself. I had been afraid to keep going, I had been afraid to be relied on again. I was still afraid to be loved.

When I finally settled down, my limbs felt stiff yet sore as I rose. My tears were dried unable to flow anymore as I lifted myself up. I realized this time I wanted to save him, the only one who had tried to save me. Myungjun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I add angst to the tags? I don't think it's angsty...Realistic for a reaper not angsty.
> 
> I have a thing with 3 and Myungjin it's their number.
> 
> I'm feeling super insecure about my writing in this chapter so any feedback is appreciated.


	5. Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This should be Myungjun's last death for awhile. And should be the return of shorter chapters. We've entered the main plot now, so there should be romance blooming soon.

With the revelation of what my sin had been, I had found myself on edge. Working hard to accept the past as the past and to move on. To accept my punishment for what it was. Anytime I was feeling my lowest it was his face that I would remember while I continued in my search for Myungjun. It was his soul I found myself wondering about on long nights. What his life was like this time around, if he had found love. And yet it felt like I would never see him again as the time started to slip away from me.

When the notice came I had not been expecting it. His name was something else again, the cause of death a heart attack. Yet I knew it was him, I always knew when it was him no matter how many names he had gone through. I frowned thinking of what it would be like to see him this time. I had never wondered before as it was always expected. I began to wonder when I had started to feel that way.

Thirty-three years is a very long time for a human. And never once since my death has that amount of time felt so long. To him, as he couldn’t remember as he never did it was just a lifetime. To me, it had felt like an eternity.

When I arrived he was smiling, his bright personality in place. He was handsome at this age I decided. No less handsome than when he had been in his twenties. I did note that despite the few extra years he hadn’t grown any taller. Which left him only slightly taller than myself.

“The world is not so small that we should meet again.” For a very long time it mattered not how often I uttered these words. I had never I felt any comfort in saying them or hearing his reply in turn. That had changed somewhere along the line and now I could feel it as I felt a fond smile growing on my lips staring at his face as he replied like always.

Even though he couldn’t remember that his lives had never been so long before, I did. And yet still as he always had he reached for me, unaware of who I was or what would happen. His hand still extended, warm smile on his face. It felt familiar.

His life flashed into my mind as always. This time filled with few hardships and the highlights of education. We took the long way, as usual, the talk easy as we made our way to the tea shop. It wasn’t until we were halfway, hand in hand that it occurred to me that he would be leaving and I would be alone again. It was amidst his promises of finding me to love, the mantra of his lifetimes. I realized I didn’t want him to go.

“Jinwoo?” He questioned me with just my name a worried look overtaking his handsome features. His hand tugging on mine insistently drawing my eyes to his. They were still so bold as to stare without blinking into the eyes of death.

I shook his question away with a forced smile. There was no reason to concern myself with those kind of thoughts. “It’s nothing.” It was the cycle of things. Yet inside I panicked in a way I hadn’t in a very, very long time. The memories of a long forgotten love lingering in the back of my mind. Their face forgotten but the feelings forcing their way to the surface. I squashed them down as I continued our trek to the tea shop.

There were rumors of reapers running away with souls they had known. I had heard of their fate and I wasn’t going to be one of them. When we stopped before the tea house he studied me, my hand hesitating on the door. He took the initiative pulling it open with a smile over his shoulder as he entered.

“I think this time I might want you to find me.” He smiled at the yellow cup placed upon the counter, white teapot at the ready for his tea. He walked towards the seat at the table but it felt like he was following my every move as I stepped towards the counter.

“Jinwoo...” He called my attention to him again his eyes meeting mine as he spoke, just inches from the chair. Resolution was written on his face. “I meant it when I said I forgive you.” With that, he turned on his heel back away from the table, too quickly for me to stop him. He was already headed up the stairs of heaven, smile on his face as he looked back at me.

If I had been holding the teapot it would have shattered. The reason he always reached for me was because he remembered. Why he remembered began clicking in my mind like a puzzle piece I had stared at too hard and still missed every time I tried to fill the spot. Right up until it was the only piece left. Suddenly all I could do was curse whatever god had put us to this fate. Whichever god had made him my special case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a loose plot line but that doesn't mean I know where I'm going anymore than I did when I started this. So thank you for staying with me on this ride. I know it's all over the place.


	6. Tea leaves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really short chapter I'm sorry. Some things have to be expanded upon.

After he had left I sat for a very long time inside my tea shop trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. No matter how I looked at it there was no better explanation than the one I had landed on first. He had never forgotten because he had already refused the tea once.

The tea was only effective for one lifetime, any before the last one would be retained. Locked away and repressed without digging or prompting. But still there tucked away in a place that did not affect the life that was being lived unless it was meant to. Those that committed murders were often driven crazy by the repressed memories finding themselves in self-made hells from all the wrong doings piling upon each other.

That meant that in a lifetime, my lifetime he had refused the tea. I had only died once, this I had been told by the higher-ups long, long ago. I was living well into my late two hundreds as a reaper at this point. All reapers had only lived one life and now I had come to understand why were punished. For that one gift of life, we had thrown it away.

I shook my head trying to bring my thoughts to a consensus. Once the tea was refused it was easier to access the memories the tea was supposed to have erased in the next lives lived. This all led only to the conclusion that he was someone that had known me, had known my true name. Jinwoo.

There had to have been a reason for him to refuse the tea, a guilt. A sin he didn’t want to forget or one he couldn’t forgive. My eyes narrowed as all my memories swam before me, the deepest and darkest making their way to the surface. There was one, only one memory that I could think of that would cause him to make that decision.

The memory replayed in my mind, tears streaming a new. I’d reached backwards, because Myungjun had been calling us. The roads had seemed empty and I hadn’t felt distracted so I had reached for it. If only to tell him that his sister was fine and we would be there soon. He had gone ahead with their parents, he’d driven himself.

I realized now that he felt guilty. That was why he had come to me, why he always came to me. He was looking for forgiveness too. Wiping my tears I settled into my new found knowledge, it was easier to accept than I thought it should be. I had already resolved to save him. Now I just had to find him again, because I knew this time Myungjun wasn’t going to come to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well now he knows. You knew all along right? 
> 
> This will be wrapping up soonish. The end is in sight.


	7. Districts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys we are now dashing towards the finish line. I can't see this lasting at most two more chapters if that.

I wasn’t sure how many districts I ultimately drifted through. Aimlessly it felt I wandered through them on my search. There was a lot of paperwork when it came to changing districts. I was no longer able to recall how much paperwork had been filed in these aimless years. If I had thought thirty years was an eternity to go without seeing his face these last one hundred and fifty years had felt like eons.

Finally, though I felt I was making progress as I settled into the one place I now realized I didn’t want to return to. The only district I wasn’t supposed to return to. There had been a lot of red tape crossed to get where I am now and a lot of compromise. But it felt like home in a way that wasn’t comfortable. Maybe if I hadn’t known that only three blocks to the left and six down that back alley were places I had lived it would be different. They were places I had lived before I took my life, lived in before I took their lives.

The time passed slowly here but I knew he would be coming. I wasn’t sure why but my gut told me this was where his soul would choose to be born in the future. The place we would settle things. Where everything had begun. It wasn't as if I hadn't spent so much time wandering only to find a trace of where he had been. This felt right, even if to me it felt wrong.

Some of the spirits here recognized me, even though they should have moved on long, long ago. Too many that I had once known had held on too long and lost their way. Falling off the path and feeding upon humans. But not all of them. I felt it was only right that I help save them. Well, what was left of some of them.

My very first girlfriend was among them, though it wasn’t that she was aware of who I was or what she was to me when I found her. This life she had drowned in her backyard when she was fooling around with her family's new pool. She was only seven. It hurt to look at her and see the same face I had loved first.

It made me wonder how Myungjun was living, how he had died. If it had hurt. If maybe his heart hurt as much as mine did when I thought about him. Did he even think about me?

When she smiled at me ascending the stairs to heaven with her loyal cat at her side I had to wonder. Would any of them have waited for me? I had been alive a very long time now. And yet Myungjun’s sister had never once appeared. I hoped it was because she had found rest, the rest that her twin hadn’t been able to. Or maybe she had waited for him the first time. I liked to think so.

It was late one afternoon in the middle of such pondering that I felt he was born again. I couldn’t help but feel a little bitter at the knowledge because I would still have to search for him. Yet this felt the same as it always had before, back in my first district. I let that spark my hopes even though I always let his rebirth spark my hope. I’d gone through many of his lives in other districts. I just hoped this time my feeling was right.

They always said knowing is half the battle, but sometimes to me knowing is just torture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I don't know I got this far but thank you for still reading. This will be ending soon.
> 
> (Tentatively edited...)


	8. Letting Go

It must have been chance, because I didn’t want to believe in fate. Not after the one we had been given. It had been roughly twenty years since I had felt Myungjun’s rebirth and begun my search.

In searching I moved all around the city, to as many different places my wage could afford. Every year met a new apartment and new side of town. Each of them on the dingy side but it wasn’t like I cared, it wasn’t as much of a hassle either as my landlord didn't have to deal with dreams of reapers. My fellow reapers frowned upon it but refrained from saying much as I am senior to most of them.

To further my search I went out as much as possible, another frowned upon activity. Going out should be for keeping up your image and an occasional pleasure. We still had to eat after all. That was the reaper way. I didn't care.

This trip had been for coffee. Something I treated myself to as often as I could. It was something I had always liked. The place was more crowded than I had expected though and someone’s arm brushed mine. Normally I would wear long sleeves but the weather was hot and I hadn’t expected it to be busy. The moment their arm brushed mine their past life flashed before my eyes.

I almost dropped my coffee in surprise. I froze only for only a second while the memories played, far too used to the feeling. Her demeanor was cute as she apologized to me profusely. I only smiled at her accepting her apology with grace. She offered to buy me a coffee next time and slid me her phone number with a blush. It was then I realized she had done it on purpose. It wasn’t that I could blame her, I know how good looking I am. I took her number with ill grace but as I was looking up I caught sight of a familiar profile through the window.

I didn’t remember ever running so fast in my life, actually I didn’t remember running at all until I was standing before him panting. He was looking at me with confusion, not recognizing me. He had stopped when I called his name. His dark eyes were concerned as I had just run after him for a block. Thankfully he’d stepped into a side street, but I didn’t bother to check if it was empty.

When I looked up at him my emotions took over, I couldn’t even put words to the relief I felt seeing his face. So I didn’t try instead I stood up, wrapped an arm around his neck, placed a hand on his cheek, and pulled. When our lips met it didn’t feel like fireworks it felt like pain coursing through my body, the pain that was all of his lives crashing down on me. On him.

They flew past us in snippets of important moments. Victories and losses, first kisses repeated over and over, the first times he had done anything. They swirled around us with different faces. Yet there I was at the end a smile and hand he always held on to. Each conversation playing out as if echoing from life to life. Broken only by the slides of other lives lived in between.

I could feel his tears against my thumb, I tried uselessly to rub them away. I knew my own tears were pouring down my cheeks. When I pulled away our eyes locking I told him the only thing that mattered. “I forgive you too.”

He nodded at me arm wrapping around my waist and pulling me into another kiss. The memories this time were different. They were memories I was involved in. I saw him when he was a twin, talking about his crush on me to his sister. I saw him later in life visiting my grave, her grave, and persisting. Raising above the pain he thought he had caused, the pain I had caused by leaving him behind.

I was going to erase that now. Now that I knew why he remembered me I knew what I had to do. It hurt and the tears wouldn’t stop. I could only smile at him sadly when he let me pull back to look at him. He might have guessed something was coming as he shook his head at me to wait.

I realized there were people watching a moment later, I decided it didn’t matter. I had lived long enough. He still had this life, and many lives ahead of him. I wasn’t sure what would come next for me. Grabbing his face I kissed him gently staring into his eyes making sure his eyes were glued to mine. “I love you.” And because I love you I’m going to let you go. I finished in my head.

“When I walk away you will have forgotten all the bad things, only the good memories of this life will remain. You will know you are loved from afar.” He was crying but unable to look away as I spoke using the one power I never had before. “You will forget about me, and our past. You will live a long and healthy life full of love. You will only hold on to the good things.” I was crying again but I didn’t break eye contact. I needed this to work. “You will only hold on to the good things.” I kissed him one last time and let go, turning my back and walking away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter left


	9. Stairway to Heaven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow it feels right to end on nine chapters. What with my obsession with the number three and Myungjin. It's their number I'm telling you. 
> 
> Also if you've seen Goblin ^.- Well you know.

I was expecting to be censured after my actions and I waited for the notice to come or worse for them to show up to collect me. I didn’t let it show.

In my free time I did my best not to lurk around Myungjun. It proved easier than I thought it would be as it seemed every day I was taking several new souls. This district was much larger than my first one had been, but not the largest I found myself in searching for him.

Invariably I would fail to stay away from him for long. I wouldn’t even be looking for him, but I would feel a pull in my chest only to look up and see him far away. I always made sure to leave. Even though my feet wanted nothing more than to plant themselves firmly and let him pass us by. To see his face from closer than the distance that existed between us.

I could still recall the last moment I had spent with him. The feel of his lips lingering on mine. The stabbing pain as I let him go. I didn’t need to question if he felt it too. I had heard him fall to his knees behind me, sobs unrestrained as I walked away. I couldn’t stop then just as I couldn’t stop now. He deserved to be happy.

Time passed just as agonizingly slow as it had before. And yet I knew it had been less than a week. I was surprised when notice came. Not of censure but that my punishment was ending. This was my last soul. My own.

A friend of mine had come from his own district to send me off. It was good to see his face. It wasn’t the face I truly wanted to see. My friend understood as he made my tea. He had helped me with the paperwork to move. I appreciated it. When he handed me my teacup I had been expecting it to be black, like everything else about me. Instead, it was white, whiter than anything I had ever seen. I had to hold back my tears as I stared at it. I didn’t hesitate though, drinking it in one large gulp before setting it back down on the pegs. I waved as I made my way to the door. I knew what would be on the other side.

I looked up at the stairs before me, my mind blank. I didn’t know anything about who I was or what I was doing here. I knew that I should I ascend those stairs. They were calling for me.

I couldn’t. Something held me back. A memory so clear that I doubted it. But it was all I had as I waited. What I was waiting for I didn’t know. Time passed, slowly yet I felt that too was familiar. I wasn’t sure how long I waited, everything the same unchanging, a limbo.

I wasn’t sure how much time had moved when finally something happened that stirred me from my timekeeping. It didn’t matter, all that mattered was the face of the young man before me. I didn’t know him, and I could tell he didn’t know me. Yet when he spoke his words rang in a hollow memory.

“The world is not so small that we should meet again.” He said it with a smile though his eyes said he didn’t understand why he'd said it. But even so, he extended his hand and reached for mine. His hand was strong and firm in my own.

We turned to the stairs as one. “The world is not so vast that we won’t meet again.” The words were slipping out of my mouth without thought. I felt the smile on my lips as I looked over at him. There were suddenly tears running down both our cheeks.

That first step felt like it had been earned through many trials but the further we ascended the lighter I felt. With his hand in mine, everything felt right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *bows thankfully* Thank you so much for joining me on this mess of a fanfiction ride. I didn't really know where we were going when we began but here we are at the end. I hope it was as fun a ride for you as it was for me.


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